A Strange Bodily Relationship

There's always been a weird relationship between me and my body. As far as I can remember, it started when I entered middle school, which was only my second time being in public school, continuing that way for the rest of my life. I now had time to wear jeans, sweaters, dresses without tights, things I was not able to wear while in private school. It felt freeing, but it is what also began the self-concious period of what I looked like.

I knew I was pretty, but why did I look so different from the other girls. Not having to wear dresses, skirts, or uniforms constantly had opened my eyes to the flat stomachs not pressed against shirts, or the smaller legs instead of thick thighs, which I have now come to love and appreciate on myself.

I'm not saying that public school is at fault for everything, because it definitely helped me become aware of things that I never knew of before while at private school, but it does impact the way you begin to think of yourself after so many years in a different setting.

I've had a love-hate relationship with my body since. One minute appreciating it, and the next, wanting to look just as skinny as the next girl, more specifically white girls. Growing up in a predominantly white town, my body image was reflected around them and how they looked. Yet, no matter how many times I tried to do those weight loss apps or doing the programs my parents participated in, food always was there. I love food, always have and always will. So the times of trying to limit the foods I've consumed always backfired and I ate what I wanted to. Even having friends who were black and skinny began to challenge the way I ate. Now, I'm not blaming them one bit, but I still wanted to be like them, but I could never actually go through with the negative thoughts that attempted to challenge me to get to that point.

Queue social media--the formula behind it all with the growing rise of social media apps. Seeing various beach bodies and crop tops can definitely do something to ones own body image until you learn that now all is as it seems, and those people are fighting a battle on their own. Therefore, body image and social media have definitely gone hand in hand, impacting the way in which we think about ourselves.

I look back at my pictures, to the times I thought I was overweight (especially how at one point, my doctor had told me I was a little bit. Maybe they were talking about the internal side, but externally I didn't think I looked that bad) and it amazes me how are brains can become our worst nightmare. I exercised a lot, did sports, tried to come up with gym routine, but I could never get the ideal body I wanted. It did coincide with food and while there were more times than I can count on trying to deprive myself of food or only eat limited amounts in a day, I could never go through with it. Not that it is/was the best idea to do anyways.

While I still do battle with myself about how I look, especially as I get older, I've t least learned to appreciate tiny parts of myself more and more. Maybe I'll only become aware of my body and how I look since it seems to be the case of adults when they get older, but at the moment I want to appreciate what I have and continue to work on appreciating what I have. Although I may not be this or that, the main goal is to be healthy, whether that's implementing healthier foods or sticking to a good, but so crazy rigorous workout routine. Lastly, to continue to love myself more.