Decisions: Part I

It's almost 3 a.m. and I'm questioning, what am I doing right now? What is my mind thinking and why is it thinking the way it is? What am I supposed to be doing in this life...besides getting some much needed sleep, and where do I go after this.

You'd think things would be figured out, they aren't. I went into college thinking that I had everything taken care of. I mean, I cried for about two hours straight before a dance practice when i found out that I had been accepted into one of the two of my top colleges. Upon that discovery though I had to really decide if I truly wanted to go there. At the moment, I did. now though? I'm not sure anymore. I'm wondering if the other colleges that had accepted me would have been the best fit and what/who would I be if I went there.

Education is important, I'm a strong believer in that. Yet, I'm also a strong believer that in today's society you can learn anything you want through technology. Anything.

College isn't for everybody and not everybody has to go on that direct path straight after college. They'd much rather be doing something that they love or taking a different route overall.

Sometimes I wish I had done that. That I would have waited to go to college rather than go straight into it. Maybe taking a gap year would have made things and my viewpoint on what was truly going on in my head more differently. Not everything is as I expected upon entering college. Yes, there are the college events, exploring who you are while becoming a part of different organizations, balancing everything else and classes, and so much more, but why does it feel like something is missing in the midst of what is happening.

By the end of my freshman year of college I wanted to leave. I wanted to have no part in college and I was beating myself over that fact endlessly. Things got a little better over the summer as I told myself that I'd just try for another semester and see where things would go. Fast forward to the first semester of sophomore year and I was far better with my grades way better than they were the previous year.

Second semester of sophomore year, and I'm back at square one questioning my purpose in college and my purpose in life overall. Is this really where I'm supposed to be at? Doing what is the normal life of a young adult, high school and then college? I don't know anymore.

I thought that by getting out of one major and considering the other that I'd be fine, but I only find myself questioning that major again to switch to a new one that might bring me more happiness and ease. Yet, all I can think about when considering that one, new major is how much money I'm paying for this school. I mean, this college didn't even offer me the most money. yeah, I should've thought this through better, but it's what I had felt in the moment and what I believed was right for me.

The thing that's stopping me most of all is the fear of what would happen if I took a break from college. I guess, I wanted to prove that I could be the one family member who goes straight to college after high school. Looking at my family members though and where they are, I'd say we're doing pretty amazing and they took a longer route and got to a good place. I wanted to make my family proud, even though time and time again they told me that they'd support me no matter what. Which is something that I'm a grateful for and certainly not what most parents would do, but I still result back to that, especially as I know they are the ones paying for this college and I want to make sure that it's worth the expenses.

There's no plan B. I have tried over and over again to think of the possible options of what I could do if I took a break to college, and one thing is for sure is that I don't want to go back to my hometown. That town really didn't have anything going for me. There's the option of going to a different college, but what if I'm too late or what if this college I'm in now is the one that's meant to be and nothing else? Because at times I really can't see myself at any other college besides this one, but I also believe that stems from my love of the city I'm in and that once I leave, I may never find a way to get back here.

So, it's 3 a.m. and I'm wondering where my purpose in any of this is and whether or not I'm making the best decision, because that's something I'm not good at at all, making those life-changing decisions.